Disc one spins, and a tale begins about a
punky dude who's emo just a bit?
His memory's shit, but he's real tight-knit
with a childhood friend who has enormous… eyes!
He teams up with a guy who's basically how
asians think black people really act, and
they enlist ecoterrorists,
'cause they're violent environmentalists
but along the way cloud goes astray,
and he falls into a church
(barret: i pity da fool!)
meets a chick, they quickly click,
and then she's kidnapped by an evil corp'rate dick.
Now the party tries to get her back,
but they fail real hard and soon get trapped.
Suddenly they're free…but why, how can this be?
They trace a bloody trail, and find this guy impaled...
They ask who knocked him off...
a man named sephiroth
but now they must depart
in a sequence i call "super mako kart!"
Blow by blow, that's the whole intro but there is so much more awaiting them and
so just where they'll go, they don't even know, that's when mini-games start messing
with the flow
so many so mini mini games many games
hard to tell things apart, which is the normal game, which is the minigame?
CPR minigame! Dolphin jump mini game
Battle-bots minigame! g=Gay orgy mini game!
Chocobo race mini game! Snowboarding minigame!
Hypothermia minigame! Slappedy slappedy minigame!
Submarine minigame! 30 cats minigame! Fall and die minigame!
"Who am i?" minigaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame!
In '97, this game took the cake
You might say squaresoft hit its limit break
f f v i i,
your sales were high, you hit your stride
not a dry eye, when aerith die-yied, yes we cried...
but that aside…
ff v i i,
your plot has mile-wide gaping holes,
and in my eyes,
you mostly ride on visuals
such a technological leap
but the story curve is so steep
still the fanboys say you're number one
sure you mainstreamed jrpgs
brought the cartridge guys to their knees,
but some things lost got i'n tarnslation!
and least there's not a sword that's also a gun!
and in the end, despite the typos
and endless side quest filler,
less folks woulda played numbers one through six
if seven hadn't been so killer!
ff v i i,
you were ambitious, you had guts
some parts were real kicks in the nuts
but you kicked butts!
ff v i i,
you're a wonderful, blunderful
and finally fantastical
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